


The World's Greatest Swordswoman

by Maldoror_Chant



Category: One Piece
Genre: 'But how would he REALLY react?', Gen, Genderswap, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-02
Updated: 2017-12-02
Packaged: 2019-02-09 18:33:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12894219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maldoror_Chant/pseuds/Maldoror_Chant
Summary: When you live in a world where Devil Fruit can change your skills, your anatomy or even your physical composition, things like gender identity are going to be even more fluid than usual.Something that's not fluid, though? Zoro's attitude. That's a fucking rock.





	1. Straw Hat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The whole 'Zoro gets gender-swapped' is something of an old chestnut in the fandom. This is a somewhat different take on it...

"We need to catch us a big fish. Some high-priced head that will get us into the big league bounty hunting," said Bender, staring moodily into his beer.

His gang of four acquiesced. Bender hadn't expected them to say 'no'; they weren't part of his gang for their ability to think for themselves. Bender was the one with the smarts and the Devil Fruit ability. His four underlings were there to provide muscle and to say 'Yeah' from time to time. Also to carry stuff such as provisions, weapons, Bender's victims and Bender's money once he'd turned in, sold, ransomed or otherwise profited from said victims.

"But boss, where we gonna find a guy with a big bounty?" said Igor, the smartest of the four minions (meaning that he might, with a bit of help, outthink a sea cucumber).

"Well, not in this crummy dead-end bar," Bender snapped, and found himself shoved nose-first into his beer stein when the swinging door behind him opened with a bit more force than required. 

"Sorry," somebody behind him muttered, trudging towards the bar. "Hey, you over there. Can I have a jug of sake and a good set of directions to the harbor? I'm lost."

"The harbor?" said the barkeep stupidly. The harbor was two blocks away. The bar was called The Sailor's Rest, and one could lob the counter's fossilized pretzels out the window and bean a seagull. 

"Bender," said Igor. "Want me to go hurt that idiot?"

"No," said Bender with what he thought was remarkable calm as he wiped beer off his chin. 

"No? Why not? He made you spill your booze."

"Because we are going to do our usual number on him, drag him into the nearest Marine outpost and collect 120 million Berry bounty," said Bender, still quite calmly though something in his head had started to rattle and pulse. Possibly the little abacus on which he kept a running estimate of his bank account. "Don't you dunces even _read_ the Wanted posters we drag around? Never mind," Bender added as he remembered that Igor was the only one who could read, as long as there weren't more than one syllable ganging up on him.

"Who's the guy then?"

"He's Roronoa Zoro, and he's our ticket to the big league. Get ready."

Roronoa looked indifferently over his shoulder at the four bruisers surrounding him, and then returned his attention once more to the barkeep, only to find that the potbellied old man had dropped the glass he was cleaning and ducked behind his counter with the instinct for trouble of his profession. In fact, the entire bar had emptied with alacrity. Bender had a very evil reputation. This was a tough town, a tough tavern, a tough island full of desperate, hard-bitten men, but they were all of the opinion that what Bender did to his victims with that Devil Fruit power of his was just _wrong_. Cutthroat bounty hunters everywhere, the ones who'd turn in their own mothers for cigarette money, would console themselves in their cups that at least they didn't do to people what that bastard Bender did to them. 

"If you fellas can't lead me to the harbor, then leave me the hell alone," Roronoa growled as he turned towards the gang. 

Bender didn't bother with warnings or fair fights. As soon as he was the requisite ten feet away, he struck. The beam of his Switch Switch Fruit power darted out, invisible but for a faint whisper and warping of the bar's muggy air. Zoro's eyes tracked the incoming wave but he made no attempt to dodge it; either he did not recognize the danger or he'd decided to find out what it was and then beat it up. A fatal mistake. The pulse of power hit him, and the disorientation that came with it made him stagger back against the counter with a grunt. A couple of swords sang as they cleared their scabbards, but too late. Bender and his gang smirked. Igor wolf-whistled.

And that's where 'the usual number' went very wrong.

For starters, the zap didn't knock Roronoa out. It just made him shake his head and growl. Loudly.

Then he looked down at himself, and he didn't wig out.

Igor wolf-whistled again, just in case Roronoa had missed it the first time. But Bender started to frown. There was no way a man like Roronoa would not notice that he'd just lost a couple of inches of height, a dozen pounds and above all, that he'd swapped his family jewels for a couple of bumps down the front of his shirt. Or, to be technical now, _her_ shirt. And there was no way that this wouldn't freak him or anybody out.

But all Roronoa did was squint down at his chest, then lift his right arm and stare at the smaller, somewhat more delicate hand holding the white-hilted sword steady, and say, "Huh. How about that."

The victims didn't always black out from the impact of sudden, dramatic changes to their anatomy. And some didn't become hysterical or catatonic with shock, and reacted violently instead. That's where Bender's four boys came in handy. They didn't share Bender's growing sense of alarm, they just whipped out their cudgels and attacked. Soon their victim would be subdued and begging for help, and would let himself be led quietly to the Marines to be turned in and changed back rather than stay as a girl in the middle of a rough town full of sailors, bounty hunters and pirates. That was how these things usually went.

In Bender's opinion, the worst thing about what happened next was not the _thunks_ , or the blood, or the broken teeth flying, or the cut-off screams. It was the way Roronoa's face - softer, sweeter, with a little more silk to the green curls framing it - was studiously intent as he systematically destroyed his opponents. 

"Not bad," Bender heard the demon mutter to himself once the earth-shattering tremors had died and the last standing bar stool had fallen over with a clang. "Missing a couple of inches. That Dragon Twister was on the edge of sloppy. The hole in the roof isn't as big as it should be. Lower center of gravity, gotta compensate for that." Then he turned towards Bender.

Bender drew his sword. It shook in his grasp. Usually the underlings took care of the rough stuff. 

Roronoa was ten feet away. He made what looked like a lazy sweeping motion with one of his own weapons and a blast of focused, hurricane wind hit Bender's blade and ripped it from his hands. It sank to the hilt in the opposite wall. Zoro's eyes - with longer lashes but still short enough to lend a boyish charm - narrowed with satisfaction. 

Bender staggered away from that slow, threatening advance until something hard poked him in the kidneys; he'd backed up into the dusty slot machine which the bar's previous owner had thought would lend the joint a touch of class. The feeling of being trapped kicked Bender into more constructive action. He swapped himself into his own female version in a flash and hit a quavering falsetto just as quickly. "Please! You wouldn't hit a girl, right?"

Roronoa stopped, but only for the time it took to twist his - now soft and rosy - lips into a sneer. "Fuck that. If I'd been a certain blond pervert I know, that'd have worked, but even at the best of times-"

Damn! Bender threw down his trump card at the approaching menace. "Don't come near me! Get this! My transformations don't wear off! Unless _I_ reverse it, it'll never go away and they'll bury you in a bra! Understand?!"

"Really?" the green-haired harridan asked, taking another step, now within sword's reach. "Is that a fact?"

"Yes!" Bender lied at the top of his lungs, pushing back fruitlessly against the unyielding metal and chrome. "So you better- better give me all your money, and then I'll turn you back and we can call it quits! Otherwise you're stuck as a woman for the rest of your life. What do you say?"

Roronoa Zoro lifted his sword, stared right at Bender with a funny ol' gleam in those demon eyes, and said: "Thanks."

The rest was a roar of noise, the crazy broken _bloing_ of a slot machine ringing up two cherries and a lemon one last time, and darkness.

 

 

Zoro rounded the corner of the harbor master's home, more by chance than design, and finally spotted the Sunny. Luffy was hanging from the masthead, gaze sweeping from the town to the horizon and back again in an agitated manner.

"Zoro!" Luffy gave him a happy grin, looked out at sea...swung his head about to give his first mate a slightly longer look centered on the latter's new bust line, then back up at Zoro's face as he waved excitedly. "Hurry up! Nami says the log pose will set here if we wait too long, and then we won't be able to sail to Merman Island because we'll be set on another course. Hey, do you know your clothes are too big?"

"Yeah, I'll have to change."

"Do it on board. Let's go!"

Unfortunately the rest of his nakama didn't take it quite so in stride.

 

 

"You mean you shredded the only guy who could reverse this?" Nami groaned, loudly enough to be heard over the sounds of Sanji thumping his head against the mainmast.

"Yeah."

"He's dead?!" 

"I dunno. How much blood can a guy lose if he's a girl at the time?"

Nami clutched her head. Behind her, Sanji emitted a tortured whimper with 'swaaan' in there somewhere as he clung desperately to the mast. Franky and Usopp's eyes were glued in disbelief to the shapely mounds beneath Zoro's much looser shirt - still a lot of muscle under there, but also a lot of very soft curves. Chopper was waving a syringe and asking for blood samples and measurements. Luffy was picking his nose, waiting for his crew to get over it and set sail. 

"But Zoro, how could you be so stupid?! Especially after he said it wouldn't dissipate on its own? What are you going to do now?"

"Train."

"T-train?!" 

"Ngggg- dumbass-...marimo-... _mellorine!_ Arg!!" Thud thud thud-

"Yeah." Zoro drew Wadou and examined his stance with fierce attention. "I've lost some of my reach and core strength, but my speed has improved. I'll catch up on the rest with the proper training."

"You mean you're _okay_ to stay like that?" Nami asked weakly. "But...why would you...want..."

"M'not saying I wanted this, but hey, now that it's happened, what the hell. It's not going to stop me. Hell, it's not even gonna slow me down. Breasts never stopped _anybody_ from fighting and I'll prove it. You'll see. I'm going to be the greatest swordsman _and_ the greatest swordswoman in existence," said Zoro with a gleam in his eyes which even his nakama who loved him had to admit bordered on the deranged. He also seemed to be addressing the white-hilted sword rather than his friends.

In the silence that followed, Sanji's hollow groan sounded very loud.

"What's with stupid?" Zoro grunted, sliding Wadou back into its scabbard and tilting his chin in Sanji's direction.

Robin spoke up for the first time since Zoro had come aboard in his altered state. "I believe Cook-san is suffering from confused signals."

"Oh?" said Zoro without comprehension, then, "Oh. Oooo-oh, you better tell that freaking pervert that if he tries to fawn over me, I will mince him. He hits on me, I hit _right back_."

"Like I'd do that, you- you- you piece of cross-dressing seaweed!"

"Oy, love-cook, watch your mouth. These are real!" exclaimed Zoro, jabbing two thumbs at the objects in question.

"ARGH!" Thud "JustZoro-" Thud "JuststupidZoro" Thud "JuststupidmarimoshitheadZoro- _chwan!_ Urg- make it stop, makeitstooooop..."

"Robin?" Nami appealed to the last bastion of sanity aboard. "You know a lot about Devil Fruit. Is this effect really going to last?"

"It's very doubtful. Most Devil Fruit effects of this kind fade if not maintained. Swordsman-san will unfortunately not remain female for very long."

Nami looked at Sanji, who was alternating between giving Zoro horrified ogles and attempting to concuss himself; to Chopper, who was running after Zoro with a thermometer and an order to go lie down in the infirmary; to Franky and Usopp whose jaws had hit the deck as Zoro took up his usual post near his weights and whipped his shirt off (in the background, Sanji fainted dead away); to Luffy who was on the figurehead, eyes gleefully fixed on an horizon full of adventure instead of the utter insanity on board. Nami rubbed her ear. 

"Unfortunately? Robin, I'm sorry, but did you just say _unfortunately?_ "

"Ah, I suppose swordsman-san's condition will present a few...interesting situations in the coming weeks, but he seems so set on this; surprisingly so considering how most men would react to this. It makes me wonder why..."

"Well, you do that," said Nami with a stiff shake of her head. "I'll go do what I do best, which is steer this ship and keep myself sane. Oh, Zoro, come with me and I'll introduce you to the wonderful world of support."

"Support? What kind of-"

"Just come along, idiot. And for God's sake _put on a shirt!_ "

"Very interesting situations," murmured Robin and smiled gently at the horizon.


	2. Impromptu CP9 riff

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The brain- and gender-bending continues...

The portside town was quiet at this hour of the afternoon; the roaring noise was all in Kaku's head. He was backed up near the hotel room door, leaning against the wall in an attempt to look relaxed and probably failing miserably.

"Are you _sure_ \- I mean, are you absolutely certain that bounty hunter wasn't lying, Lucci? When he said the effects would only last a month? He did hit you with this- this-...Even if it was by accident, the piece of scum might have been afraid of the consequences and lied about the duration of the effect."

Kaku's partner continued to examine himself in the mirror over the hotel's cheap dresser. That long, clinical scrutiny would have been disturbing enough even if he had kept his shirt and jacket on. Kaku's gaze seemed to be tethered to the sight, shying violently away only to be unwillingly hauled back again.

"People are not prone to lying to me," said Lucci - and goddamn, even his voice had changed; it sounded like velvet would, if velvet could issue death threats. 

"Right. Um-"

In front of the mirror, Lucci lifted his hands and, with an expression of concentration, placed them on his breasts. Kaku closed his eyes, took a deep breath and tried to remember what sanity looked like. It certainly didn't look like his suddenly-female partner doing _that_.

CP9 agents were trained to harness all their emotions, to see the world through the cold scope of a killer, so Kaku opened his eyes again, refusing to let himself be disturbed by all this. 

Lucci had his hands on his/her belt and was undoing the buckle with that same intent expression. Kaku closed his eyes again and decided to make a run for it.

"If you're leaving," said Lucci, and the cutting amusement in his voice told Kaku that he'd fooled nobody with his attempt at poise, "stop by Kalifa's room and get me a dress."

Kaku was silent for a few seconds as he tried to make sense of that, then as he tried desperately _not_ make sense of that. "...You want to wear one of Kalifa's dresses?"

"Yes."

"Lucci, you're not that much, ah, smaller than before." And now with long legs and a statuesque figure to kill for, added a small portion of Kaku's brain, which he instantly assassinated and buried in a dark area of his psyche where it would remained undiscovered until the next nightmare. 

"I'd say I'm about two inches less."

"...Kalifa's shorter than you are now without her heels."

"So?"

Kaku's gaze was doing its little dance again, bouncing on and off of Lucci's curved hips. "Her dresses tend to be pretty damn short on _her_."

"So?" Lucci repeated. "Just go and get one. Get her too, while you're at it. I have questions of a practical nature for her." 

Kaku finally managed to tear his gaze off of Lucci's body and meet the latter's eyes in the mirror, only to realize this was more dangerous than staring at any set of curves. There was leashed violence there, a good deal more emotion than Lucci's calm demeanor betrayed. The dark eyes flickered away briefly, then Lucci added in something that boiled down to an admission: "This is a highly unpleasant experience. I must have lost at least five hundred Douriki in the process, and my balance is shot. But I might as well get some firsthand information out of this bitch of a situation. You never know when a skill or piece of knowledge can come in handy for an infiltration."

"Right. Of course. Yeah, I can see where that would come in handy to er-" Kaku fished around for an example of where _this_ could come in handy.

Lucci's lips, sensuous and full, curved into a thoroughly nasty smile, and Kaku knew that someone was going to suffer for all this. "I think Kalifa and I will go out together later. That's bound to be interesting," Lucci said musingly. "Do you want to come?"

"Escort a couple of good-looking girls in very short dresses through a town full of sailors on shore leave? Oh, I insist," said Kaku, knowing that it was already too late, his sense of reality would never be the same, so might as well go to the end of the madness and get it over with. "If nothing else, someone will be needed for riot control. I'll go get you your dress."


	3. CP9 again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Still seeing straight? I salute you. Have one last slice of the crazy pie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A present for Sasori_katana's birthday awhile back ^^; Sorry, I couldn't come up with anything less nutzoid.

"I don't think I can do this," said Kaku, a slight quiver running through his usually level voice like stress cracks through a wall.

Lucci glanced at him in the mirror. Kaku had shot through the door to Lucci's room and was now leaning against it as if afraid someone would bowl it down. 

"Get a hold of yourself," said Lucci with all the sympathy he could muster which, when all was said and done, could fit into a thimble. "It's not that bad. You get used to the effects and the shift in your balance."

"Why do we have to do this?" Kaku whimpered - actually whimpered - as he looked down at himself. "Why can't we just infiltrate the target's place the usual way?"

"Because it's a fortress, and because too many people know about us now, that close to Water 7. We're just lucky we were able to find that gender-switching bounty hunter again." Lucci twitched his dress straight - technically _her_ dress, but Lucci refused to let a few random body changes dictate who he was or what he thought of himself. The dress was a conservative cut for this mission. It still looked good on him. Kaku, on the other hand, looked like a scarecrow on the verge of a panic attack. This came as some surprise to his partner. Sure, losing one's manhood was a bit of a shock the first time, but Kaku was such a consummate professional. He'd learned to deal with Lucci's transformation a while back with only a raised eyebrow and a few dry witticisms, and if nothing else they both knew for a fact now that the gender swap only lasted a month. What was a mere month in the scheme of things, for men who had spent five years posing as hapless shipwrights? 

"You were taking it well enough this morning, when that loser first switched us."

"Yes, but-..." Kaku moved into the room, giving the door a haunted look. "I just-...something disturbing-...never mind. Can we leave now? Today? We can have that adjustment period you wanted on the train. Right?"

"What's gotten into you?" Lucci applied the lipstick briskly, the advantages of a month's previous experience and having Kalifa as a trainer. She was going to have to give Kaku some tips too; the long-nosed idiot had applied his makeup like he was trying to drywall his face. It was also smudged.

"I-...well, if you absolutely have to know, I ran into Jyabura, and he, um..."

"You actually listened to what the puppy dog said?" Lucci snorted. "Just because you lost your dick, don't go losing your grip as well. You know better than to let anything he says get under your skin."

"But- but-"

Kaku jumped a mile at the knock on the door, though it wasn't a loud knock. Lucci thought it was an underling until the knock came again, this time with a gruff "Lucci? You in there?" That was definitely Jyabura's voice, though the wolf Zoan usually hammered on things rather than rapped. 

"Let's see what the moron says that could get you in such a mess," sneered Lucci. "Come in, Jyabura."

Jyabura poked his head into the room and glanced around. "Hey Lucci. Nice dress. Have you seen Kaku?"

That was not what Lucci had expected on several levels, including that last question, since Kaku was-...Lucci turned and examined the empty space where his partner had been not a moment before. That much display of stealth in a new body and heels was impressive. Maybe Kaku had an undiscovered talent for this.

"It appears he's not here. What did you want with him? Another pissing contest about who has the more douriki now? Do you think you'll survive the blow to your ego if he creams you in a skirt?"

"Huh?" muttered Jyabura distractedly, peering around the door to Lucci's bedroom. "What? Contest? Maybe later, Lucci, I'm busy now. Look, if you see her- him- Kaku- can you tell her I'm sorry I came on so strong, but I would love to talk some more? You two aren't leaving for another day or two, right? Here, give her these if you see her. I'll go pick some more and check the armory. I don't want her to leave without saying goodbye."

Lucci stared for a long, long time at the bedraggled hedgerow flowers in his hand, his mind totally blank except for a long line of Jyabura's previous flames marching through it, all with a certain look in common now that he thought about it...

"You can come out now," he finally said. 

"Are you sure he's gone?" Kaku hissed from inside the wardrobe in the next room.

"I'm not sure he was really quite there to begin with." Lucci tossed the flowers aside and reached for the train schedule to see when the next departure was and if it could happen before more sanity loss was incurred.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [The World's Greatest Swordswoman [PODFIC]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8869774) by [Opalsong](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Opalsong/pseuds/Opalsong)




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